Frustrated

I really started gaining weight when I stopped working in ‘07 and it has just been a slow and steady climb since. Last spring, when we got back from Hawaii, was when I noticed a big increase. By last summer I hit my highest weight ever. I was heavier than when I went in to give birth to my 10-pound baby boy. It really bothered me when I saw these pictures from our family vacation over the summer. I knew something had to change.

Oh. My. Gosh.

When the kids started school last fall I began exercising fairly regularly. It started with the occasional workout using the 30-Day Shred and some long walks with Maggie twice a week. Then I decided I would pay myself $5 each time I exercised so the workouts increased.

I was eating smaller portions and trying to make some better choices. It was nothing too drastic but I did lose several inches around my waist and lost about five pounds. That put me into a new set of numbers on the scale. I was thrilled.

Right before Christmas I slacked on the exercise a bit. I didn’t really see a weight gain so I was happy. At the beginning of the year I was up a couple of pounds (back in the old numbers by the way) but didn’t think much of it. I figured it would come right off when I started working out on a regular schedule again. 

These were taken in Dec. I think I can see a bit of a change. Am I imagining it? 

                             

To motivate myself I joined an online group and our challenge was to lose 10 pounds by Valentine’s Day. I had a little over 5 weeks. I knew I could do it. Boy was I wrong!

I have done the 30-Day Shred every Mon-Wed-Fri since. I have walked for 30-40 minutes and biked for 10-20 minutes on each Tues & Thurs since. I have eaten crappy tasting Smart Ones meals for a lot of lunches and some dinners. I think I have only been to Taco Amigo twice in the last 5 weeks!

I have lost nothing, no inches, no weight. As a matter of fact I have gained weight and if anyone says it’s muscle I will scream at you and then rip your head off. Seriously.

What gives? Yes I still eat some junk food. Yes I still go out to eat and have the occasional soda. Yes there is room for improvement, but with the changes that have been made you would think I would see some kind of change.

Paul says my heart sounds healthier. (Apparently even at a resting heart rate it sounded like it was going to explode it would beat so fast.) I don’t give a crap. I want to look healthy. I heard that muscle helps boost your metabolism. That’s why I used the Shred DVD but I am thinking that it was a mistake. I can tell that I have built muscle but it is still wrapped in layers of fat. Honestly I don’t want muscle if that’s how it’s going to be. I don’t like the way the muscle looks. I just want to be thinner. Nice and lean.

I don’t like to fail and I have. Come hell or high water I was going to exercise 5 times a week for five weeks. Where did it get me? Unless I chop off a body part I am not going to be 10 pounds lighter by Valentine’s Day. I have no motivation to even try this week. It sucks. I’m frustrated and I don’t know where to go at this point. Why isn’t what I’m doing working anymore? Where do I go from here? What do I try next? This isn't a "please validate me" post. It is just something I have to get out. I mean it is my journal right?